All is done by choice and by choice all is difficult. I am floating in a space of emptiness but i wonder how is it empty while i occupy it, life gave me a variety of choices, only by then i can fill this emptiness. A tender age to understand, one grew in a family of firm believers in Christianity i got along swiftly to the culture. Sundays had a bright morning that contrasted the green leaves of the trees and mocking birds that sing glory to the day, families gathered to celebrate the new week with good food and fine aged wine, the conversations filled with smiles while a surreal energy flows with goodness. At this point i am in the moment and not questioning anything at all, in so many ways it felt good to not think it just felt good to be.
But i had to witness whatever that was around me, even the smallest changes in specific environments and atmospheres as i grew up. I am still an introvert at age 13,new school new friends i can still maintain my personality i can still control my opinions and make active choices. At this stage i adapt to everything i consume this can be a paricular movie, conversation or any activity really it began to be a regular thing, characteristics of my personality had bits of whatever good or bad activity i did. I guess this is where i became sentimental about my own wellbeing i started building a fire at 15, a fire in my spiritual life, constantly into the word of God my mom was so happy that his little boy is zealous and hopeful. I never had a long or genuine talk with her growing up, this was because i did not talk to most people even friends, i loved music and cartoons so much that i didn’t have more to say besides them.
Although i was a firm believer my faith was embedded in doing the acts of what i believe but as i grew older and started attending the church a lot more, i experienced separation. To what i thought was spiritual growth turned into a personality growth you are expected to do things in a particular and uphold the name of your belief. I had no problem at all by doing this but one thing that caught me off guard was my curiosity in different aspects of life, i never conform to social norms it didn’t surprise or move me when i started exploring life on my own. Due to all the requirements some which i met some which i ignored, it was never my intention to do all that was required of me in that instant. I cannot judge a person nor descrimate, i find our differences unique the ability to judge is just way off my head.
Right now i’m just wondering, clueless of what spirituality is and in the midst of this i am completely calm and unbothered by anything. I wonder if this is ignorance or i might need guidance into the spiriual realm. Pure bliss to not know, pure bliss to know.